By visiting East Jesus, you do so AT YOUR OWN RISK and assume all liability for any property damage, injury, illness, or death that occurs. By setting foot here, you and your heirs release all claims into perpetuity.
The ORIGINAL East Jesus Survival Guide was written by our founder, Charlie Russel. While we’ve had to update it throughout the years, we do our best to maintain it in his “voice.“
-2) Just planning on rolling through during daylight hours to enjoy the public art garden and museum? You don’t need to contact us. Thousands of people visit every week. You only need to contact us if you’re hoping to stay overnight. Just to warn you, you’ll need a vouch from an East Jesuit in good standing to camp here.
-1) BEFORE YOU EVEN GET HERE there are things to consider. Why do you even want to come and bother us in the first place? Well, OK, if you do, please don’t plan on camping out for more than a couple days, unless you’ve intent on rolling up your sleeves and helping us out with some labor, building an awesome sculpture, or catering to our personal whims. This isn’t a dumb-ass hippie commune. This is us, living life the way we want to. We have work to do. Either you’re entertaining us, helping out with what needs to be done, or you’re slowing us down. You MUST get advanced permission to camp here. Don’t show up here and expect to sleep in your van in the parking lot. Send a facebook message with 24 hours notice. We don’t have a phone, and we hate digging through spam on our email account. IN CASE OF RAIN, travel north of Niland is *not* recommended. Even small amounts of rain can cause the washes to run deep and turn your beloved automobile into a submarine, exposed to oncoming traffic. Also, NEVER arrive after dark (see rule 1 below.)
-0.5) WITH AN EVER-INCREASING NUMBER OF VISITORS, the expense of keeping shop is growing. If you ask to come camp out for a night or two, we ask that you please give us a CASH donation (or paypal, or venmo.) This helps pay for the peat moss, water, food, and helps defray the cost of all the little things you probably take for granted, like wireless internet, One Jillion Megawatts of power in the middle of fucking nowhere, and that spoon of mine you forgot to return that one time. Buying a t-shirt is so last year, but there are still a few I need to unload. $20 each. But don’t forget to stick some cash in the donation box or help out while you’re here. We are watching. Bringing a warm beer or some piece of rusty iron covered with dog shit you found in the desert and thought was “cool” does not exempt you from this.
0) RULE ZERO IS: DO NOT PISS US OFF. Any questions? Refer to Rule Zero.
0.5) PACK IT IN, PACK IT OUT / LEAVE NO TRACE. Be prepared to take everything you brought back out with you. The surrounding area, where you may be camping, is pretty trashy, but this does not magically give you permission to leave more trash. In fact, I expect you to leave your campground a tad neater and cleaner than you found it. Don’t leave plastic bottles and tampons in the fire pits, kids. Hell, do you live in a county with comprehensive recycling? Consider taking some souvenir trash home with you!
1) **UNLESS** THERE IS A SCHEDULED EVENT, if you plan to camp out here or even just visit, DO NOT ARRIVE AFTER DARK. Either show up before dark or spend the night elsewhere. No discussion, no exceptions. Also, even if you have been here before, DO NOT SHOW UP AFTER DARK WITHOUT PRIOR NOTICE AND APPROVAL. No discussion, no exceptions. Accept it and deal with it and plan accordingly. Given the nature of Slab City and some of its inhabitants, unexpected visitors after dark are presumed to be trespassing with ill intent and risk staring down the barrel of a 12GA.
2) Thanks for bringing food and cold ones to share, but there is NO REFRIGERATOR SPACE, PERIOD There are coolers you can use, but don’t bring a bag of groceries and a case of beer without also bringing some ice to keep it cool, because our fridge is probably already VERY full and non-user-friendly and has NO SPACE for your perishables, capiche? And while we’re at it, don’t plan on using our kitchen. There’s a dozen of us living here already and there isn’t enough counter space without you getting in the way. If you are planning on cooking for yourself or if you have severe food allergies or are just plain picky, bring a camp stove and propane and set yourself up near one of the fire pits in back.
3) “Facilities:” In the spirit of recycling absolutely everything, East Jesus composts human waste. Basically, you piss and poop in a 5-gallon bucket, cover it up liberally with peat moss (provided) and notify us when it gets full. This is actually a very sanitary and odor-free system, and it’s *good* for the environment. Nothing in the buckets but your human ordure, peat moss, toilet paper, and toilet paper rolls (nothing with plastic.) Athankew.
Do you feel lucky, punk?
4) EAST JESUS IS NOT A FUCKING ASHTRAY. Smoking is permitted. Go ahead, they’re your lungs. IF WE FIND ONE SINGLE BUTT ON THE GROUND WE WILL FUCKING KILL YOU. That means you will be dead, and it will hurt like hell the whole time you’re dying. If you insist on smoking filter cigarettes, you must bring an Altoids tin or equivalent portable ashtray, and take every single god damned butt out with you, or eat it, or whatever. If you leave butts on the ground, we will know it was you and you will pay dearly. If you knew how many times we’ve bent over to pick up butts, and how much it hurts when we do this, and how much the sight of cigarette butts on the ground fills us with murderous bile, you would understand. You may dump your butts (along with paper, cardboard or any other clean-burning refuse) into one of the burn barrels.
5) Recycling: EVERYONE GETS THIS WRONG. SO WILL YOU. But we won’t kill you over it, we’ll just yell at you. ALL RECYCLING ITEMS MUST HAVE “CA CASH VALUE” OR “CA CRV” CLEARLY PRINTED ON THEM, OTHERWISE THEY ARE TRASH. Imperial County has NO comprehensive recycling. We fucking HATE picking pieces of trash out of the recycling bins. Hey, hippie, don’t just hand us a bag full of beer cans, bottles full of cigarette butts, and a half-eaten apple and expect us to be happy about it.
6) ILLEGAL DRUGS ARE STILL ILLEGAL. NOTE WELL: NOTHING ILLEGAL IN IMPERIAL COUNTY, THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA, OR THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA BECOMES MAGICALLY LEGAL HERE. IF YOU BREAK THE LAW, YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN. Do not put us in a position where we have to deal with your dead body and an unknown quantity of an unidentifiable contraband that is a felony to possess. We hate having to Narcan people. No white powders- no coke, no ketamine, no heroin, no meth, no excuses, no exceptions. Don’t get creative or look for a loophole, you know damn well what we mean. DO NOT BRING IT HERE. DO NOT CONSUME IT HERE. DO NOT DISTRIBUTE IT TO OTHER PEOPLE HERE. There aren’t a lot of things that will get you perma-banned, but this is one of them.
6.5) Likewise, FIREARMS must be used in designated areas only and fireworks are illegal in this county. Don’t screw around with fire or flame in the compound, we *encourage* responsible firearm owners with valid CA CCW licenses to pack heat. There is a clothing-optional firing range on the premises- but an East Jesus rangemaster MUST BE PRESENT while firearms are discharged. No shooting during musical performances, please. You are responsible for securing your firearm AT ALL TIMES.
7) Stay the fuck out of the music room unless you are a bona fide musician. NO DRINKS ANYWHERE NEAR THE PIANO. Period. No, that’s not a *baby* grand. It’s a fucking full-size studio grand, OK? Six feet. And it’s valuable and very sensitive to liquids and jackassery.
8.1) Electric power & internet: here we are actually far more advanced than some developing nations. Yes, we have plenty of juice for charging your laptop, cell phone, camera, deluxe bunny vibrator, etc. But don’t just plug in, Ask! DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHARGERS PLUGGED IN. TURN OFF THE LIGHTS IN YOUR TRAILER IF YOU AREN’T INSIDE. If you want to power some kind of ridiculously heavy load, we can probably do it, but ask first. There is wifi, but don’t expect to use it.
9) Petting zoo: black widows, scorpions, centipedes, vinegaroons, rattlesnakes and the occasional tarantula all live and work here. They do not want to bite or sting you, but can be deadly if provoked. If you don’t fuck with them, you’ll be fine. Never stick your hands or feet anywhere you can’t see, especially close to the ground. If you actually see one of these worthy, noble creatures, don’t fucking freak out. It’s more scared of you than you are of it and will try to get away if you let it. Horseflies are a much bigger threat. A horsefly will cut you the proverbial New One. They can eat through your motorcycle jacket to get at your blood. Then they lay eggs in your brain. Shut up, it’s true! Wearing white or bright colors makes them much less interested in biting you.
10) PARKING: it’s pretty lax, but be sure you’re not blocking either of the main gates on Sidewinder, in case of water delivery or the need for a speedy getaway. Don’t make us get our forklift. OK, OK, we don’t have a forklift. But our friend Tiny does. You wanna mess with Tiny?
11) THE SCULPTURE GARDEN. Don’t assume you have some God-given right to change stuff. Ask first. ALL ART IN THE ART GARDEN MUST BE PLACED BY AN OFFICIAL CURATOR. And we might move it later. Who knows? Erosion is a bitch here.
12) East Jesus isn’t particularly child-friendly; everything is dangerous. The ground is dangerous. The art is dangerous. The people are dangerous. While you’re welcome to bring your well-mannered child to view the art in the public art garden, you’d better fucking supervise them closely. Parties and events are GENERALLY not appropriate for children. If your minor child is found to have engaged in age-restricted activities, you and your ill-behaved offspring WILL be escorted off the property in a not-particularly polite manner. NO MINOR MAY BE UNACCOMPANIED AT ANY FUCKING TIME. NO ONE UNDER THE AGE OF 21 MAY STAY AS AN OVERNIGHT GUEST. (This is a legal thing, pertaining to alcohol, tobacco, and other age-restricted items.)
13) Don’t be a fucking creep. Any non-consensual sexual touching of any kind will result in a LIFETIME BAN, and possible death or dismemberment. Keep your hands to your fucking self. This applies to men AND women AND any other gender identity you might belong to. Seriously. Ask first, and if the answer is no, don’t ask again.
14) Being intoxicated is no fucking excuse. If you turn into Mr. Asshole McGrabby-Hands the-cigarette-butt-dropper and we kick your ass out, don’t expect to send us an email saying “I was wasted” and be invited back. Can’t handle your buzz? Don’t fucking drink, asshole.
15) Treat this place and us with RESPECT. Don’t piss and puke all over the place- ALL human waste goes in a shit bucket or goes home with you. Things containing human waste (tampons, condoms, piss jugs) are YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. DO NOT PUT CONDOMS, TAMPONS, SANITARY PADS, ETC IN THE SHIT BUCKETS. Take them with you and throw them away at home. If we find used condoms in your trailer, we’ll mail them to your grandma. Don’t spray paint on the carpet or our furniture. I hate that I even have to say this, but here we are.
*Where did the picture that used to be on this page go, you ask? Well, during our negotiations with the State of California to buy our land, they asked us to take it down because it kept pinging their firewall and they got tired of filling out reports swearing that they weren’t looking up pr0n on the state intertubes. So there ya go.